It is Well....

There are days that I feel like I have to peel myself out of bed or off the couch in the morning. Sometimes I wake up the next morning still in my blue scrubs because I fell asleep the night before sitting on the couch. Maybe it was a long co-op day. The familiar smell of famadihyde from the dissected frogs, pigs and sharks is now embedded in my sheets because I promised I would “only lay here for a minute.” I feel disoriented and sluggish yet my brain races with the many things I have to do. This ranges from the domestic responsibilities of running a home, to the educational responsibilities of the seven children I gave birth to and the ones whose parents entrust me to help them in their educational endeavors, to getting costumes together for a play that I am helping in, to being a wife, to…. Well, you get the idea.
This morning was one of those mornings. Feelings of inadequacy set in. Failure speaks in a condescending voice to my heart. Fatigue overwhelms me. I sit down to do devotions with my children with anything but a desire to do so. They bicker and poke at each other. This only makes me want to knock them out and blame someone else. Those feelings of sadness over a lost relationship due to lies of a teenage boy grip me in a vice like way. It does not matter that it has been 8 months ago and I thought I was getting better. I feel like I am being swept away by negative emotions.

As I struggle not to close the book and blow it off for the day, a song starts to play through my head. The old hymn “It is Well With My Soul.” I stop and grab my computer to Google the words because I can’t seem to remember them. You see, I have learned in the past that when a song of worship comes to my heart to listen. What is the Holy Spirit trying to say?

I want to share with you what I found. The word to this old hymn were written by Horatio G. Spafford after two major traumas in his life. The first was the great Chicago Fire of October 1871, which ruined him financially (he had been a wealthy businessman). Shortly after, while crossing the Atlantic, all four of Spafford’s daughters died in a collision with another ship. Only Spafford’s wife Anna survived. Several weeks later, as Spafford’s own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, the Holy Spirit inspired these words. They speak to the eternal hope that all believers have, no matter what pain and grief befall them on earth.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Refrain
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
Refrain
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Wow… The peace that is described in Philippians 4 as the peace that passes all understanding is present. Feelings of failure, hurt, and inadequacy seem to have left, and an unexplainable strength that comes only from the one who loved me enough to die for me is present. I am reminded of the cross. Yes… the cross. You see, the answer to all of life’s problems and obstacles is the cross. It is at the cross we find our strength. It is at the cross we lay our hurts and can find forgiveness for those who hurt us. It is at the cross that we realize that without Christ we are inadequate. Yes, all is well because of what Christ did for me.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

1 John 3:16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

When God reminds You Why You do What You Do

First of all, let me say that I am dedicating this post to all 150 students that I teach. However,I must make honorable mention to my physics class who has been such a joy a to teach this year. It's amazing how we are there to encourage them, and somehow the table gets turned around and they end up encouraging you. So to James(yes, I made sure I put you first), Sam, Treslyn, Annaliese, Lindsey, Madelyn, Peter, and Lauren, thanks for being the highlight of my week.

I'm not sure what it is about this time of year, but students, teachers and parents get really grumpy. The complaints that they have had all year come flying through the rumor mill and reach you with a blow to the gut. No one has the guts to do it the biblical way, or the professional way, or the nice way, (need I go on?) and just simply approach the teacher and discuss a concern. No, we hear it in a way that makes us question who we can trust. Maybe it's the sound of the birds chirping and burnout has set it. Maybe it's the idea that summer is finally in site and can't get here fast enough. I compare it to the last 6 weeks of being pregnant when you think it will never end. For some reason it makes you stop and question why you do what you do.

It's that time of year.... So I just simply went to the Lord the last couple weeks and asked him. What is his desire for my classes?

This is my tenth year to teach. Each year I see so many homeschooling families in our co-op hurting. I see them hurting because they have children that are walking a rough path spiritually. Some are grieving because they have a child with learning disabilities and struggle because they are not "as good as so and so's kid." They want their kids to be "normal." Some have no friends and they are alone year after year. My heart breaks for these families. My heart hurts because at times I have been one of those families. Some hide behind a facade that everything is perfect, but then the curtain is moved and I get a glimpse of a bleeding heart. A heart that struggles with feelings of failure and shame.

Over the years I have prayed and asked God what his will and vision is for me at co-op. This is a business venture and at times a very expensive venture! Lol! But teaching at co-op is also a ministry, a ministry that belongs to the Lord. When I see what I do at co-op I see a gift from the Lord that allows me to be with my children more and to do what I love doing so very much. We are so blessed to be able to homeschool because no one knows my children needs like I do. Nor does anyone love my children the way I do. When I look at each individual child that I teach, I see the same thing in their parents.

I have an academic standard for my class, a very high standard. However, I also feel that I must allow the parent the freedom to do what is best for them and their student. God has given them the responsibility of educating their student, not me. My responsibility includes being prepared to teach the material and doing it with enthusiasm. God however has shown me over the years that I have a greater responsibility than that, and that is to live my life for him out in front of them and their parents. What does this look like? I can give hope to the mother that simply can't keep up by letting her choose what they are going to do in their school. I can tell the family with learning disabilities that I believe in her and her student and this is what I recommend. I can sit with the student for hours several times a month at Panera until I am buzzing from the coffee going over stoiciometry until I think I am going to die telling the student they will get it! I can take a minute when the opportunity presents itself to share God’s perspective on something that is brought up. Why? Because I don't own it. This business belongs to the one who has given me so much mercy and grace in my own schooling and has forgiven me for so many errors. The one who for some reason chose to entrust me with several dyslexics of my own. The one that for some reason gave me a son that is socially awkward and keeps me on my knees praying because he is so lonely. When you cry and say “God I know this child is fearfully and wonderfully made but this is killing me.” I don't want any student or parent to lose hope in my class.

You see, I learned something important this year. I learned that my sole purpose in life is to bring glory to God. To point others to him in order for people to know him. To live my life in a transparent way so that when others see me, they see Christ. I want my students to know science, absolutely.... But more than that, I want them to know God. If they walk away with 4 years of science and can do stoiciometry, understand light rays, understand the parts of the cat and know pathophysiology like the back of their hand, but have not seen integrity, compassion, and mercy in their teacher, I have failed them. Yes, they will see me fall. I am human. But I want them to see forgiveness, because Christ has forgiven me.

Lately I have come under fire for rewarding my students with a Starbucks or Sonic run for all their hard work. It has been during those runs that conversations have come up and we have talked. It has been during a break in our studies during a tutoring session in March when we were eating funfetti cookies with Christmas sprinkles that we have talked about kids in our co-op that were hurting and devising a plan to include them. This is what it's all about. It's about what is eternal.


My final conclusion? A education in science for one year? $256 The talks we have....priceless. Love you guys... Thanks for all the lessons you teach me as your teacher. The hugs and words of encouragement never go unnoticed. The unsweet Sonic tea with cranberry at the end of a long day makes me smile. The "I finally got it!" look makes my day. Seeing your heart for God, makes the journey worth it.

Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

7 Little Sunflowers

This is a new season, and that’s what my blog is about. I am a very academic person. I have a degree in nursing and my desire is to someday get a doctorate as a nurse practitioner. This journey was supposed to star this fall. In my heart I clearly heard God say “not now.” I had earned all the prerequisites with a very high GPA. All I needed was the ok. However, when I asked God to change me, I told him I wanted his will for my life in all areas. He took me serious, and was requiring total surrender, not just a part. He wanted my dreams and goals. In a way I felt like Abraham when God required him to sacrifice Isaac. Funny thing is, when I gave God total surrender of this area of my life, the only thing that was scary was having the peace that passes understanding. Feeling this hole in my identity, I asked God what the next step was for me. My children. God has a greater plan for me in the lives of my children and their training. Don’t misunderstand me; my children were never neglected because I was in school. God was requiring new things for me as a mother. Greater challenges awaited me. We had reached a point in our schooling that was academic, but the joy had been sucked out of it. God began to impress on me the importance of “enjoying “the process of educating them instead of going through the motions. Recently I read a book that illustrated to me the importance of the home and the influence of family, parents, and biblical training in the home. The author describes children as flowers. I picture my children as 7 big, beautiful sunflowers in a vase of water with the roots hanging out. I love sunflowers. They are durable, they grow tall, and they make people smile. When I think of sunflowers I think of warmth and sunshine. The book describes how a parent will do everything to protect those flowers from getting wilted or bruised. This may be in the form of the best Christian colleges or schools. Maybe it’s just establishing boundaries to protect their mind and heart. The parents place these flowers in water with roots dangling to make sure they get the water they need. The water represents the church. We as parents make sure our kids are in the best youth groups, Sunday school programs, and Bible studies. As we all know though, even if we protect our “flowers” and put them in water, eventually they die because the roots are not planted in soil. You see, the soil is the home. The home is the foundation for Biblical teaching and training. This is the place for character training and discipline in a “nourishing” environment. Problem is, people get surprised when their flowers die when there is no soil. For this season, God wants to make those roots deeper and make the soil richer. I am both honored and humbled that God has chosen me, yes me, with all my faults to raise these 7 beautiful flowers. I want to be a good steward of what has entrusted me with. Academics are important, let’s not discount that. However, a child’s soul is what is eternal and what is important to the heart of God.

Psalms 40:5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

I have the most wonderful husband. Really....I do! He is an awesome dad to our 7 children and husband to me. When I graduated in December 2010 with a higher level nursing degree, he bought me a car. Yes, a car. One that only holds 5 people! When he got a bonus in December, he bought me a top of the line Kitchen Aid mixer in candy apple red that I refer to in an affectionate manner as Lucille. You must understand, this was my domestic dream small appliance. He does all the laundry and insists that I have the top of the line Victoria Secret collection because "I deserve nothing less". Between you and me, I don't think that one is all about me. :-) He spoils me like I have never been spoiled before. I should be totally content, right?
Hmmm..... Last year around this time I was so discouraged. Nothing was going right in any aspect of our life and I fell on my face before God and stated the simple words "change me. Please show me what I need to change in my life to be the best wife and mother you desire." I make it a habit to never smear my husband to other people. To me that's cheap and while he may be a pain sometimes, it’s not for others to know. I am not sure what made this day so different, but I went to work rather disgruntled about something I guarantee you was trivial that my sweet husband had done. One of my male co-workers asked me what I was so irritated about and I spilled. He looked at me and told me I was a..., well, I won't say it... but it was not nice. For some reason I was not offended. Shocked, but not offended. My co-worker is a soft spoken man, and has always treated me not only in a professional way, but also in a way that is very respectful as a member of the opposite sex. He too speaks only respectfully of his spouse. Sheepishly I came back around and asked why. Why would you say that? Thus began a journey toward God showing me who I was as a wife and what my role was in my family and marriage.
Let me start with the issue of submission. I come from a broken home. When I was 12 years old my mother was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. I had no role models. I was raised in church my whole life but the church never defined to me what a Christian wife looked like nor were any mentors to be found. Both of my parents are Bible believing Christians and I can honestly say I was raised in a Christian home. Despite the obstacles we faced, I credit my parents as to who I am today and the relationship I have with the Lord. They laid a great foundation based on a biblical principles.
If I could recommend any book to a women about marriage, I would recommend How to be a Great Wife Even Though You Homeschool by Scott Wilson. This book is funny, short, and the truths will change your life. It has very little to do with schooling your kids at home. You must understand something about me, out of sheer necessity I control every area of our lives. I have approximately 150 students I teach science to in the home school community. I am a charge nurse at a county hospital. I manage a home of seven children and a husband, and I coordinate the children's program at my church. I only mention these areas because these are the ones that are noble. :-) God began to deal with me that I was controlling and carrying burdens that were not mine to carry, but the burden of my husband. Unfortunately he was not able to carry them because I was.
The author of this book uses an illustration of marriage in the picture of a sled dog team. You see, the husband is the head dog who leads the pack. The wife and children are the dogs behind him that follow the sled dog, and God is the leader of the pack that tells the sled dog what to do. Sometimes the master will instruct the head dog to go to the left, but for some reason he chooses to disobey and do his own thing and go to the right and the team must follow. The good news is that the master will discipline the head dog. Given the same scenario, sometimes the mama dog who is second in line will try to "fix" the issue by pulling the sled the direction the master has instructed. The result is not the same, because by doing so she knocks the sled over. God began dealing with my heart that while I may be right in some things, I mess things up because I don't follow the sled dog. God has placed him over me and my children as a protection. I began to learn to stop fixing things and letting God, the master begin to work in his life. I have spent more time in the last year praying for my husband than the 18 years before. Will he mess up? Yep, and so will I. I began to have a freedom in my life that I never had before. But the journey had only begun....

Changes.....

As I finally sit down to blog again only 10 months after I started this blog, I am amazed by the changes 2010 brought with it. One change that took place in our home was a new season of adult children. Our oldest son turned 18 this year and graduated from high school. Never has two parents ever breathed such a sigh of relief as when he crossed the stage, and we as home school parents presented him with a high school diploma. I have to admit that I shed quite a few tears at that moment. Did I do everything right? Did I adequately prepare him for the real world? Is he going to grow up and serve the Lord or is he going to turn and go his own way? We had raised him in church his entire life yet the last couple years of going to church and serving faithfully had only bruised and wounded our family. Little did we know more bruising and wounding was right around the corner. His junior year kept his dad and I on our knees interceding on his behalf that God would speak to him and make himself real to him. The sweet child had given way to rebellion and disrespect. Early 2010 we began to see the light break through the clouds and a calm in the storm. We began to rebuild our home, both of us weary from an 18 month spiritual battle. We began to see God grant him clarity and peace. God began to mend the relationship between us and this man, no longer the boy that I had held in my arms. The other day I sat across from my son drinking coffee at 1:30 am and he asked me a question. "Mom, did you know that during the year I struggled that God never left me?" Of course I said yes not wanting to remember anything of that time period! He opened his heart and for the next hour told me how in the deep of the night God would speak to his heart. As I crawled into bed that night God reminded me that he does hear us when we cry out to him, and faith is believing even when we cannot see what God is doing in the battle. I love that sweet "little boy" who comes in and still gives his mother hugs. God is using him in music ministry in his church and in the lives of those around him. We talk deep into the night a lot about who God is. I continue to be amazed at how God is working in his life. I have seen much pain and hurt as God begins to refine him, stripping him of his pride and rebellion. The walk with adult children changes, you don't lead as much. Now we walk it together. It is true what it says in # John 1:4, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."

Day with the kids.

Second Chances

What a great week we have had! This last Thursday we had the biggest snow storm in a long time in Texas. To me, it was more than a snow storm. It was God speaking who he is directly to me. Let me explain.... This last Christmas Eve we had snow for the first in probably almost 80 something years. I had to admit that on that day I had the "Martha" mentality. I was running around doing last minute Christmas stuff, fretting about the food for the next two days, and getting last minute decorating and house cleaning done. I had a great afternoon riding around town with Jonathan and later Aaron. When I got home, I knew I would have to slide in my nicer clothes and be on my way to Christmas Eve service. The kids and their father had been given explicit directions to take a bath and put on nice clothes. Well..... They did not. I was irritated, very irritated. We got to Christmas Eve service late due to the weather, and looking like a bunch of homeless bums. I sat through a beautiful service angry. The next couple days turned my anger to sorrow. I had missed it... In my anger and pride, I had missed it! I had missed the intimacy of celebrating Christ birth with my family and church family and the joy of playing in the snow. We never played in the snow... I cried out to God asking him to forgive me. To forgive me for not taking advantage of those moments he gives us. I asked for a second chance... Guess what? We had even more snow than we did on Christmas Eve. We made snowmen, we went sledding at midnight after I got off a shift at the hospital. I have learned that everyday is a gift from the Lord.